Dear Toot,

supposedly, you are the size of a Chinese cabbage this week. I imagine we're not talking about the freakishly large ones your father and I bought when I made kimchi. Those were gigantic, mutant napa cabbages. I don't think I could have fit one of those inside my uterus.

We are now officially into the third trimester! I'm excited to be here, but it's also a little scary. There's still so much we have to do.

You had your very first party on Saturday. I know you won't remember it, but a lot of your parents' friends came to visit and brought gifts to help you get ready for full-fledged personhood. Your baby book has a complete list of guests and gifts, so I won't recount it here. I will, however, let you know that your wardrobe is now at least three times cooler than either mine or your father's. You have so many clothes that I know you'll never get to wear them all before you grow out of them. We will have to spend days dressing you up, taking a picture, then changing your clothes and repeating the process. (I have no problem with this. I am sure you will be very cute and will need lots of photo evidence).

It's amazing how much one's life can change in a year. Last October, I was getting ready to run my first half-marathon. This year, I am getting ready for you! I haven't run in quite some time. I didn't have any energy for the first few months, and once my energy came back, I didn't feel up to starting back, virtually from scratch. So I am going to wait until you show up before I get back on the road/trail. Hopefully, once you are big enough for a jogging stroller, you will enjoy it too. There are some great places to run in Greenville.

Your Dad and I went downtown to a big festival this weekend, and you got to try a lot of new foods. You were pretty excited about a German dish called Maultaschen (filled pasta). You also liked the shrimp and grits, but that's no surprise. If all that palate-preparation stuff is true, you will be well primed to enjoy shrimp and grits.

I don't have much else new to report, except this. When I went to my last doctor's appointment, Dr. Gower was listening to your heartbeat, and he said, "Wow. That's a laid back baby!" You have no idea how excited this makes me. I try really, really hard to be a cool, chilled out, calm, peaceful love child. But the truth is, I'm usually pretty far from laid back. I've made a lot of progress, but I still get a bit anxious about things. Yesterday, for example, I was really comfortable on the couch, watching a great TV show. But I had this little nagging voice in the back of my head that kept reminding me how messy and untucked the couch cover was. I had to fight the urge to get up and fix it, so I could relax.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a really happy person most of the time. I love most parts of my life (especially you and your Dad and all the aunts and uncles you're about to meet). I do wish, though, that I were better at cultivating this "laid back" attitude which you have apparently developed. I'm practicing, but I'm relieved to hear that you come by it naturally. Clearly, you got this from your Dad.

We are really looking forward to meeting you!

Love,
Mom

28 weeks, 2 days in the oven

Dear Toot,

today, my phone tells me that you are the size of a cauliflower. Last week, you were evidently the size of a "hothouse cucumber." I'm getting a little fed up with these comparisons. Why can't they use something less variable than fruits and vegetables? When you were blueberry-sized, it was a helpful comparison, but I just cannot visualize a "hothouse cucumber." Grr...

I'm happy to say that you're at a point where I feel you moving around every day. I really enjoy this part of being pregnant. It's so reassuring to feel you wiggling around, doing your little fetus things in there. The other day, you hit me so hard that it sort of tickled my muscles. I've never been tickled from the inside before, so thanks for that. Your Dad got a big kick out of it. You move around a lot when I eat fresh carrots. As a result, I find myself eating a ton of carrots. If you come out orange, now you know why.

Don't tell him I told you, but the other night, your Dad felt his first BIG kick, and he cried a little. He would insist that "teared up" is the more accurate phrase, but I saw him wipe his eyes, so some of those tears that welled up CLEARLY made their way out. It was really very sweet. He loves you a lot.

It sounds weird, but I think I am going to miss it when I can't feel you moving anymore, after you make your big journey into the real, non-uterine world. I know that we'll be able to have a lot more fun together once you're born, but it will be different. I feel like this is our special Mommy/Little Buddy time, and I'll be sad to see it go. But I know your Dad feels a little left out, so it'll be great when he can play with you too (and tickle your feet and poke your belly -- you were warned!)

We went to a family reunion on Sunday. Everybody asked about you, and they even gave you some presents! So now, you have some books, a set of really awesome eating utensils that are made from cornstarch, a storage bin with owls on it, a baby book for all our memories, two more cloth diapers and a diaper sprayer! It was really awesome. You'll get to meet everybody next year, and you can thank them then.

I'm going to sign off now because it's almost time for me to go to my weekly trivia game. Wish us luck. We won last week, and it would be great to repeat the performance.

Can't wait to meet you!

Love,
Mom

27 weeks, 1 day in the oven

Dear Toot,

you are apparently the size of a rutabaga! I don't much care for rutabagas, but I like you a good deal.

You have been wreaking a bit of havoc on my emotions lately. I found myself crying in front of my boss's boss last week. It was really mortifying, but I hope everybody just blames the hormones. You have also made me incredibly clumsy. In a single 24-hour span, I dropped the following delicious food items on the floor:

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich
A chicken and egg biscuit
A piece of carrot cake

I won't lie to you, Toot. I ate the sandwich and the biscuit anyway. The only reason I didn't rescue the cake was that it fell icing-side down. Also, after I dropped the cake, I ate your Dad's piece.

The closer we get to your ETA, the more I realize that I am starting to get a little nervous about the prospect of actually giving birth. It's important to me to try to do it without pain medications or an epidural or anything. I make no judgment about ladies who want help with the pain. I just want to try it old school. But it's pretty scary. Don't worry, though. We'll figure it out together.

Along those lines, your Dad and I were writing out our "birth plan," and we had to make a decision that I know will affect your life. We had to decide whether to circumcise you or not. Circumcision is pretty common in the U.S., so it may surprise you that we decided not to have it done to you. I hope this is the right decision. I am aware that it may lead to some uncomfortable moments, since you will look different from a lot of your American friends. But the truth is, in my heart of hearts, I think it's weird to cut pieces off your baby. So that's why you aren't having it done as an infant. If it causes you a lot of angst later, I really am sorry... But I think that it should be your decision, when you are old enough to make it.

Meh, by the time you read this, you will probably be more concerned with the fact that your mother was posting things online about your "junk." I love you and can't wait to meet you!

Love,
Mom

25 weeks, 7 days in the oven

Dear Toot,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days. Your Dad and I went on a little vacation - sort of our last hurrah before you show up and everything changes (for the better!) If you're wondering, you are evidently the size (or length) of an ear of corn. Watch out that your Aunt Lexie doesn't eat you.

We went down to Charleston, and we had a lovely time. We stayed at a great B&B, we went on a really cheesy/crappy ghost tour, we toured a tea plantation and a vodka distillery, and we ate a lot of really good food. That last part is the one that concerns you.

I have noticed that you're pretty active AFTER I eat, but our Charleston trip was the first time I felt you moving WHILE I was eating. I hope your wiggliness was an indication that you enjoyed what I was feeding you. The first time I felt it was at a Japanese place called O-Ku, where we had some of the best sushi ever. They had real wasabi there! We had been wanting to try it for years, so of course, we got some. Anyway, you started kicking me while I ate mine. You also kicked me during our early anniversary dinner at a place called Circa 1886. I had a great sea bass dish, but I hope your kicks were a reaction to your Dad's food (which I tried). He got a pork chop that had been brined in Firefly sweet tea vodka. Oh, my, it was good. You seem to be developing a great taste in food. (You also like Trader Joe's pumpkin ice cream. That quart is only designed to last 4 days, right?)

They say it's important to eat a variety of foods while you're pregnant and when you're breastfeeding. Evidently, this will help the baby (that's you) develop his palate. I can safely say that, if this is accurate, you should be primed to eat a nice wide variety of different foods. Your Dad and I are total omnivores. We don't just eat ANYTHING. We eat EVERYTHING.

Things seem to be going well. The doctor says you're just the size you should be, and everything looks good. I wish you could see how excited your Dad is when he gets to feel you move. It kills me that you'll never get to see that part. He has all kinds of plans for the things he wants to teach you how to do when you are older. We can't wait to meet you!

Love,
Mom

24 weeks, 3 days in the oven

Dear Toot,

You're still a banana, but tomorrow, there is a very exciting bit of produce on the way.

I want to talk to you about something important today. I have been hesitant to bring up this subject, but I think it's a conversation we need to begin. There is going to come a time when you will be compelled to ask me about God.

It's a tricky subject. Your father and I both grew up in ostensibly Christian homes, but we have sort of drifted in our own directions. I have recently been going to an Episcopal church that I like a lot, and your father isn't into organized religion at all. For him, the universe makes sense on a more mathematical level than on a necessarily supernatural one. As if this weren't enough, by the time you read this, you will probably have made some friends who are Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, agnostic, atheist, or some faith I know even less about. You're probably wondering what to make of all of this. I don't blame you a bit. You have to be asking yourself - with so many different answers, which one is right?

Well, Toot, this will probably get me some flak, but I am just going to say it. I do not believe that there is only one path to God. A lot of people will disagree with me on this point, but I have to believe that if God is infinite (and, by definition, how could he not be?), then it seems silly to suggest that there is only one right way to get there. If God is everywhere, then it seems to me that every path must eventually reach him, however much it may meander on the journey. The important thing is just finding a path that makes sense to you.

I'm sorry because I know that this will confuse you for a while. It would be easier for you if I could say, "this way is the right one, and everything else is wrong," but I just can't. I have struggled with this a lot because, in all honesty, it may be more difficult to raise you this way than if we had a rigid doctrine to rely on. But the truth is that I am less concerned with making sure you adopt a particular set of rituals than I am with helping you understand the ideas at the heart of all the major religious traditions. My prayer for you is that you learn...

... to respect the magic and mystery of life, and to view all life forms with awe and reverence.

... to approach the world around you with humility and gratitude, and to use it gently.

... to avoid judging others, and to try always to see things from their perspective.

... to be generous to those less fortunate, and to know that it is only luck that keeps you from being in their circumstances.

... to value justice, but to value mercy and compassion more.

... to understand, somehow, that you are both a tiny, barely significant speck in the universe and the most important thing in it.

What's funny is that you may never have these huge spiritual questions that I am so worried about how to answer. Your father has a very calm, contented soul. He doesn't feel driven by all the vast, cosmic questions that burn in me. It's entirely possible that you will turn out just like him. If you do, you will probably be happier. But there's something to be said for the other route too...

Frankly, this whole pregnancy thing is the closest thing to a religious experience that I have ever had, and you are the biggest, most intriguing mystery that I can imagine. I can't wait to see who you become.

Love,
Mom

21 weeks, 7 days in the oven

Dear Toot,

it occurs to me this week that I should thank you.

You see, your mother has always been a little bit high strung and neurotic. I tend to get bent out of shape about the tiniest things -- strangers at work? Oh, God, we're going to get laid off. Funny tingling in my feet? Oh, God, I am going to die. You get the idea.

But since we found out about you, I have had to teach myself to to calm down. You see, I love you so much that I want to make sure my body is the most hospitable place possible for you to hang out. So lately, when I experience something that would normally make me really upset, I consciously choose not to let it bother me. At work, I stopped letting things stress me out. I learned to say no when I felt overwhelmed. When your father and I disagree, I am learning to seek reconciliation faster, spending less time in a cranky mood. This is a lesson that I desperately needed to learn. I think it stands a decent chance of sticking even after you show up. So thanks!

Oh, so you're the size of a banana now. I assume we're talking about length here, since it would be pretty creepy if your actual shape shifted from "small cantaloupe" to "banana."

You should also know that you're going to be getting an extra middle name. Your Grandmother Garrett asked if we'd consider adding her Japanese family name, since there's nobody around to carry it on. I was a little hesitant at first, purely because I am unfortunately resistant to change, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that you will probably really appreciate having both sides of your heritage represented in your name. So, you'll be Alexander Kennedy Wada Garrett. It's kind of a mouthful, but I am sure you'll get used to it.

I've started feeling you move around a little bit this past week. At least, I think it's you. It's still sort of hard to tell baby nudges from gas and other normal stomach-related motions. But I am pretty sure it's you. It feels odd. Your Dad felt it too. You get really wiggly right after I eat. It's pretty neat. Keep on wiggling.

Can't wait to meet you!

Love,
Mom

21 weeks, 4 days in the oven

Dear Toot,

you're a boy! (A small cantaloupe sized boy!) You probably already knew that, but it's a lovely surprise for the rest of us. We're very excited -- not because we wouldn't have been just as happy with a girl, but we're just excited to be learning things about you.

I'm going to try to wean myself off calling you Tootie. Toot should do just fine. Your real name will be Alexander Kennedy Garrett. Your Dad wants to call you Xander, so that's probably what we'll call you. I have a dream that one day, you'll grow up, embrace your inner liberal (like Mommy, like son?) and decide to go by Kennedy. No pressure. =D

So, this might be boring for you, but I thought maybe one day, you might want to know these things.

The first movie you saw (in utero, of course) was "X-Men: First Class." You've also seen the final Harry Potter movie (twice) and "The Help."

Your first concert was the Crystal Method at the Orange Peel in Asheville. You also saw Toad the Wet Sprocket at the Handlebar.

Your first baseball game was on August 15th -- Greenville Drive vs. the Rome Braves. It was a double header. The drive won the first game and lost the second.

Your first road trip will be to Charleston next month, for your parents' anniversary.

You made me throw up four times total:
1. On a bush in Piazza Bergamo.
2. After eating some chicken tenders from Burger King. I drank a Sprite, and it tasted weird and bitter to me. Your father said it tasted normal to him.
3. After I saw some cat puke in the floor.
4. On my way to work. Fortunately, I had a cup in the car to catch it. There wasn't much in my stomach besides the water I used to take my vitamin.

I'm really looking forward to having a boy in the family. When I was growing up, it was just me and your Aunt Colette, so I've never spent much time around a little boy. I know your father is going to do a great job of teaching you how to be a man.

Love,
Mom

20 weeks, 4 days in the oven