Dear Toot,

you are now the size of a large jicama (???) Sorry. I wish I had a better visual for you. Good news, though! Dr. Gower says that, at least as of Thursday, your head is pointing down! I really want to do this naturally, and I'm glad you seem to be on board.

I have a confession, Toot. I know I have sort of romanticized this pregnancy in my letters to you, but I need to be honest.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was FREAKED OUT - not because we didn't want you, not because we weren't actively TRYING to have you. We did, and we were. But I was freaked out anyway.

See, I had been worried for some time that it would be really hard and take a really long time for us to have a baby. It took my Mom a long time, and my own body has never been especially cooperative or predictable in that department. So I was convinced that we would struggle. I told your father that I thought we should go ahead and at least stop trying to NOT get pregnant because, in my words, "it's not going to happen overnight."

I was right. It took us two whole months.

And I freaked out.

I thought we had at least a year before we had to think about any of those scary, grownup, parent-y things. I figured it might even be several years because I read that it takes the average couple a year, and I was expecting us to be even slower than average.

But you had other plans. Apparently, you were just itching to exist. Your soul was just hanging around, tapping its foot, waiting for the opportunity to present itself. I imagine this is just the first of many, many times that you will surprise us and make us find new (more awesome) plans.

Anyway... I guess what I am saying is that this is why we aren't quite where we thought we'd be when you got here. We don't own a home yet, and we still have a lot of dreams that we haven't started pursuing. We wanted everything to be perfect for you, and the truth is - it isn't.

It's clear to me that you are already a lot smarter than your parents. If we had waited until we felt "ready," you might never have gotten here! And we are so, so happy that you are on your way. You are such an inspiration, little guy. I have spent a lot of my life being moody and ultra-introspective and a little cynical at times. Now, though, I can feel myself changing just from the thought of you, from the dream and promise of you. I don't want your life to have my sometimes-dark shadow hanging over it. I don't want your idea of adulthood to be all about resignation and sullenness and gloom. I want you to look around (and at me) and see joy and hope and neverending possibility.

Undeniably, you are changing my body, but it is becoming clear to me that you are already changing my heart as well. As much as your little body is rounding out my belly, your little (little?) spirit is swelling my soul. That's not something they mentioned in "What To Expect..." You are full of wonderful surprises.

In other news, three different people this week have pointed out that I waddle. It appears to be official.

Love,
Mom

32 weeks, 2 days in the oven

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Dear Toot,

As of today, you are the approximate size of "four navel oranges." I think the makers of the BabyBump app are really stretching it. I didn't write you during the past couple of weeks, so you missed the butternut squash and cabbage phases. I'm sorry I have neglected our correspondence, but we have had a lot to do.

We've got less than two months before Space Shuttle Alex is scheduled for landing. Scary! But we are making a lot of progress with the preparations. We have your bassinet, two car seats, a pack and play, lots of clothes, and 14/24 of your diapers. There are still quite a few little things we have to pick up, but we're getting there.

You had a pretty cool weekend. Grandma Garrrett's sister (Aunt Mako) is in town, so on Saturday, your Dad cooked breakfast for all of us. Then, you and I went to my friend Christie's house to watch "Twilight." (I don't want to hear a word. As long as you're a tenant in my womb, you will be subjected to my cheesy vampire romance movies). Sunday, we went hiking at Chimney Rock. You did great on your first hike, although your Dad was the only one who went up to the top of the chimney. The elevator was broken, and after about 3 flights of stairs, I gave up. When we got home, we ate sukiyaki! You will love it when you are old enough to taste it with your own mouth.

I had this weird revelation... it hit me that you are never going to see me the way I see myself. In my head, I will always be young and moderately cool. I will always be green-haired and nose-pierced. I will always be a poet and a wanderer. I will always be the sort of person who drives around all night aimlessly or takes off for the beach at midnight, on a whim. But you will only see me as I am now. I will be your archetype for "adult." I find this a little bizarre, but it's sort of liberating too. You and I have never really met, so, while you don't know all the neat things about me, you don't know the bad ones either. We get to start over fresh, with a clean slate. I think we will have fun with that.

I can't wait to meet you. Not long now!

Love,
Mom

31 weeks, 2 days in the oven

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