I have a confession, Toot. I know I have sort of romanticized this pregnancy in my letters to you, but I need to be honest.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was FREAKED OUT - not because we didn't want you, not because we weren't actively TRYING to have you. We did, and we were. But I was freaked out anyway.
See, I had been worried for some time that it would be really hard and take a really long time for us to have a baby. It took my Mom a long time, and my own body has never been especially cooperative or predictable in that department. So I was convinced that we would struggle. I told your father that I thought we should go ahead and at least stop trying to NOT get pregnant because, in my words, "it's not going to happen overnight."
I was right. It took us two whole months.
And I freaked out.
I thought we had at least a year before we had to think about any of those scary, grownup, parent-y things. I figured it might even be several years because I read that it takes the average couple a year, and I was expecting us to be even slower than average.
But you had other plans. Apparently, you were just itching to exist. Your soul was just hanging around, tapping its foot, waiting for the opportunity to present itself. I imagine this is just the first of many, many times that you will surprise us and make us find new (more awesome) plans.
Anyway... I guess what I am saying is that this is why we aren't quite where we thought we'd be when you got here. We don't own a home yet, and we still have a lot of dreams that we haven't started pursuing. We wanted everything to be perfect for you, and the truth is - it isn't.
It's clear to me that you are already a lot smarter than your parents. If we had waited until we felt "ready," you might never have gotten here! And we are so, so happy that you are on your way. You are such an inspiration, little guy. I have spent a lot of my life being moody and ultra-introspective and a little cynical at times. Now, though, I can feel myself changing just from the thought of you, from the dream and promise of you. I don't want your life to have my sometimes-dark shadow hanging over it. I don't want your idea of adulthood to be all about resignation and sullenness and gloom. I want you to look around (and at me) and see joy and hope and neverending possibility.
Undeniably, you are changing my body, but it is becoming clear to me that you are already changing my heart as well. As much as your little body is rounding out my belly, your little (little?) spirit is swelling my soul. That's not something they mentioned in "What To Expect..." You are full of wonderful surprises.
In other news, three different people this week have pointed out that I waddle. It appears to be official.
Love,
Mom
32 weeks, 2 days in the oven
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